Scene 4

The merchant will face the audience for his final pattersong:

ST: It is difficult to find an honest businessman

Who won’t rip you off or lead you by the horns:

Or takes your horses, give your mules,

Trades you glass beads for you jewels,

Sells you phony medications for you corns.

It is difficult to find an honest businessman

Who can guide you to the most productive stocks

With pecuniary acumen

Who won’t swindle or attack you then

Abscond with your life’s savings in his box.

But IIIIIIIIIIIIII’m an honest businessman.

I’m a merchant and my business is in trade

But there’s one thing that is clear-

I’ll do no more business here

I will not be duped by their obscence charade.

When forst I bought his daughter

I had every good intent to treat her well.

I did not intend to ship her off to Smyrna

Where my clients are barbaric and they smell.

So when we were at the seaside and she vanished

I guessed she’d drown herself beyond the shore

And through her loss did grieve me,

It’s a common loss, believe me,

For I’ve often seen this sort of thing before.

Now I’m a clever merchant,

I can smell a ruse a thousand miles away.

So imagine my surprise

When she showed before my eyes

Looking better than when I led her away.

I realized that she had somehow run off

I’d been cheated -but I thought I’d buy her twice

Since a harem slave is excellent for resale

And in Tarshish she would fetch a pretty price.

So again when we were standing at the shore

I kept a better eye on her than I had (slowing Down) done be-fore.

But the moment that I turned away my head

She just vanished! Disappeared! Away she fled.

But I’m a stubborn merchant

I returned to Erysichthon’s house to plead

And when I saw her standing on the threshold

I summoned all the courage I would need (with a flourish)

I said, (spoken) “Sir, I have bought your daughter, give her to me!”

(to the tune of the Overture from The Barber of Seville: )

He wouldn’t listen.

He wouldn’t listen.

He just ignored me and asked if I’d brought some food.

The man’s obsessive, compulsive, and downright rude.

And in his eating habits he is really crude.

I had to buy her.

Buy her a third time.

And by the third time I have nearly paid her retail price.

But I can sell her off, and make a tidy sum

Because she’s truly, truly, truly, truly

Truly a nice piece of merchandise. (Repeat Stanza)

Now I’m a clever merchant

And I’m binding her in chains to ship her off.

She can try to run but she won’t get too far.

And then we’ll see who has the final laugh.

But if she should get away from me this time

I won’t give this nasty town another dime!

But IIIIIIIIIIIIII’m an honest businessman.

I’m a merchant and my business is in trade

But there’s one thing that is clear-

I’ll do no more business here

I will not be duped by their obscence charade.

The merchant may bow and blow kisses to the audience. He will then raise his mask.